I Was Convinced That I Identified As a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Discover the Reality

During 2011, a few years before the acclaimed David Bowie exhibition debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a lesbian. Up to that point, I had solely pursued relationships with men, with one partner I had entered matrimony with. Two years later, I found myself nearing forty-five, a freshly divorced parent to four children, making my home in the US.

Throughout this phase, I had started questioning both my sense of self and sexual orientation, seeking out answers.

Born in England during the early 1970s - pre-world wide web. As teenagers, my friends and I were without Reddit or YouTube to reference when we had questions about sex; instead, we looked to music icons, and during the 80s, everyone was experimenting with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist donned male clothing, The flamboyant singer adopted women's fashion, and pop groups such as popular ensembles featured members who were openly gay.

I desired his lean physique and defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and flat chest. I aimed to personify the Bowie's Berlin period

During the nineties, I lived riding a motorbike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I returned to conventional female presentation when I decided to wed. My husband relocated us to the America in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw back towards the manhood I had once given up.

Since nobody played with gender as dramatically as David Bowie, I decided to devote an open day during a summer trip returning to England at the V&A, with the expectation that possibly he could help me figure it out.

I didn't know precisely what I was seeking when I walked into the exhibition - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the opulence of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, in turn, stumble across a clue to my own identity.

Quickly I discovered myself standing in front of a small television screen where the music video for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking polished in a dark grey suit, while off to one side three accompanying performers wearing women's clothing clustered near a microphone.

Unlike the drag queens I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals didn't glide around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; conversely they looked unenthused and frustrated. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their diminished energy. I felt a fleeting feeling of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their thick cosmetics, ill-fitting wigs and restrictive outfits.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - annoyed and restless, as if they were longing for it all to end. At the moment when I realized I was identifying with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them tore off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were further David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I became completely convinced that I desired to shed all constraints and transform like Bowie. I desired his slender frame and his precise cut, his angular jaw and his male chest; I sought to become the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. However I was unable to, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Announcing my identity as gay was one thing, but gender transition was a much more frightening possibility.

It took me additional years before I was ready. In the meantime, I made every effort to become more masculine: I stopped wearing makeup and threw away all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and began donning male attire.

I altered how I sat, walked differently, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of medical intervention - the potential for denial and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

After the David Bowie exhibition completed its global journey with a presentation in the American metropolis, after half a decade, I returned. I had reached a breaking point. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Facing the familiar clip in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge wasn't my clothes, it was my body. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been presenting artificially throughout his existence. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, dancing in the spotlight, and then I comprehended that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician soon after. It took additional years before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I anticipated materialized.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a gay man, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to explore expression as Bowie had - and since I'm at peace with myself, I can.